Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Declaration of Independence..I'm SINGLE!!

No i'm not some anti-men feminist who has been so scarred, abused and confused by men that i've lost all hope and is jaded beyond measure. I've actually enjoyed the few relationships i've had (sans a very scary incident when I was younger with a stalker, but i'll leave that alone...lol).

The point of my declaration is simple - Single is good. Some would say "good for you, but who cares?".....I know I know i'm not trying to convince myself or anyone that it's good, it's just that lately i've been getting that look from my fam and friends when I say i'm not on the market, but i'm single. Almost like i've gotten it wrong, with their facial expressions saying "hmmm....you know u ain't getting no younger gurl!!"

I just can't be assed to deal with any kind of wahala right now. I have always been like this - i get into extreme moods. I can't bloody explain it, it's just the way it is.

Here's my Declaration:
So i've been single for a minute and I have to say i'm getting too used to this. I can't even remember what it feels like to really love somebody else? Since my one true love and I called it quits i've been coasting (2 plus years and counting). Before you think it - no i'm not still in love with him. Not that it's a prize or badge of honour, but I ended our relationship. Yes he did beg and plead, but i'd had enough. I couldn't go back - I just wasn't happy anymore. Yeah there was a rebound or two, but that's exactly what they were.
There was only one person after true love I could have seen something with, but there was still something missing. Or maybe it was me missing something? I still have to keep my eye on him - I like to call him Mr. L. He had a way about him though....I digress....lol!!

I won't say i'm melancholy or jaded about the whole relationship thing - that's not my M.O. at all. I still get emotional when I hear a really sloppy love story or two, but I am convinced there is a time and a place for everything.
Mine is not now - not here, not today and not yet. My friend told me the other day "you are just so chilled it's scary. Isn't there anyone that can ruffle your feathers just a little?" Truth be told there alot of men that can ruffle my feathers, but that's all it'll be. A good night, week or two and i'm bored or irritated or not wanting to deal with their stress. Better put, I like to call it preemptive strike, because I don't even let it get to the point where there's stress.

Oh I'm just a big ol' confused child. I know it's not ideal to be so far off the center, but for now this is where i'm at. I know most importantly that my status is my choice. It's me finding comfort in my own skin and being alright with nights alone watching a good movie. It's not pathetic and it's not lonely. Don't get me wrong it has its moments, but like all things they come and they go. I really see this as a chance to just be - that way if and when the GREAT HE comes along i'll know it's because I love him and not the idea of him.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Maiden Voyage

I am a "virgin" to the blog world. Yup! I have been deflowered. Wasn't as painful as I thought. However, it is a scary and very exciting community to join. There's something for everyone in here. You have bloggers that obviously excelled in Literature and English class; and you have some who really ought to take an extra class or two. Don't know which category I fall under yet. It's certainly easier to judge when you're looking in from the outside in. I hope the lowest grade you will give me is a "B or B-".

Regardless of people's writing style the thing that amazes me the most is a blogger's ability to be open and let what's in your mind pour out. When I was younger, I could write and write for days - spilling and gushing thoughts all over the place. The older i've gotten i've become very conservative and protective of the emotions I let go.

Granted i've never been a very open person, but I was always able to understand and account for everything I was feeling. I am hoping through this process, I can find my inner voice again. The same voice that allowed me to write Santa Claus when I was seven telling him how good I was and how horrible my older sis was. The same voice that allowed me to write songs no musician will ever sing; and the same voice that let me write poems to a lover I have never met.
Believe me i'm not as cheesy anymore. I know better than fantasizing about love I haven't experienced. Now I fantasize about sex I haven't experienced - Yes yes, I watch too much porn. I'm single, what's a girl to do?

So this is my Maiden Voyage. Today is a good day because I haven't stopped once to spell check. I usually look for any excuse not to finish typing a thought - it's been 2 years since I stopped writing. Thinking about it; it was 2 years ago I went through the worst time of my young life. I am hoping I have the courage to figure it out. Here's what I wonder - Is my emotional withdrawal as a result of getting older and knowing better, or a result of serious trauma and not just wanting to deal with? Whatever the case, today I am letting whatever it is that is moving me do it's damn thing.

Tomorrow, the doubts and conflict can return. No no no...this is not some dark journey I am on. I just realized sometimes you need to take stock. It is not entirely about sorting through the piles of emotional rubbish - i'm simply not that self centered. It's about exploring and gisting about the good, the bad and the ugly. Like most i've been through some shit, but I won't dare to think i've been through the worst in the grand scheme of things. I do realize there are wars being fought, people starving, people dying etc. My point is I know there are more f**ked up people than me. Or should I let you be the judge of that?!!! Hehehehehe.