I've been MIA for God knows how long. I feel totally out of place right now. I had barely started my voyage when I hit a rough patch of water in blogworld. When your life is going 90mph it's just so difficult to find the time to sit down and write. As I noted one of my blogs, I probably am not an everyday blogger, but as soon as I settle down I will make a concerted effort to be more consistent.
Thanks to those who cared to ask - the reason I’ve been gone so long is because I was moving. Yup!!! I moved back home to Nigeria finally. Believe me; I’m just as surprised as everyone I’ve told. It was most unexpected. I had planned on moving to London at the end of the year not even Nigeria. But an opportunity came around and they said we need you back here ASAP. I got thrown into my first project immediately and spent 3 weeks working. Keep in mind I was only supposed to be in Nigeria for a week. I told my boss in Yankee that I had malaria. Needless to say that was my golden ticket, cause as far as most American's are concerned anything they haven't heard about, or know much about is as good as the "plague." "Oh take your time Maiden, only come back when you feel better and you've been given the proper clearance."
They didn't find it funny when I came back 3 weeks later and gave my resignation letter effective immediately. Their pitiful expressions staring at me like I was dying. Like they knew something extra was lurking behind my resignation. Of course no one dared to ask, but I could have sworn I heard some annoying colleague say "The malaria is probably terminal. That's such a shame." I wanted to say something to her, but I thought better - let them think its terminal. At least that way I don't have to stick around for 2 weeks while they look for someone else. I was thinking of even telling them it's airborne, but I’m not that cold. They would have closed up shop, and called in sick the next day. Talk about panic at the disco (work)…hahaha!!!
Needless to say things have been hectic for me. It's not easy upping and leaving your life and starting anew some place else. Even if that place is familiar Nigeria. Visiting and living here are 2 very different things. I love being home; I love the sun; I love the food, but its pure insanity. It's a big ol’ mess functioning solely because the peeps of Nigeria are resilient M**her F***r’s. I love it; I hate it, but its home. I’m home damn it.
But it's been a challenge and a half. I thought moving my furniture and personal effects would be the most trying part cause I hate moving, but boy was I wrong. I don't think I’ve ever been this sentimental in my life. I didn't realize how used to the states I was. I miss the little things. I miss going to los Burritos on Saturdays for a Grande Burrito (hold the cheese and beans). I miss rushing to target for little knick knacks and spending two hours there cause I just cant help but shop shop. I miss watching American Idols. I miss my condo.
I don't miss the emptiness, I don't miss living to pay my bills, I don't miss worrying about my credit score, I don't miss the rude racist ol mongrels called my neighbours. I certainly don't miss being a minority.
I guess with everywhere and everything there's the good and the bad. I am basking in the choice I have made. I only pray the journey continues to bring new lessons and experiences as it has done so far. I have had many "why the f**k did I move days.” But, I made a choice I have to live with. I would have regretted it more if I didn't take this opportunity.
I would have been chilling in my 2 bedroom condo, with my newly painted denim blue and bailey coloured walls, brand new 37' LCD TV, my kitten Maybeline thinking "why am I here you overly comfortable, complacent idiot?"
So now that I’m back in Lag, I hope I can find my rhythm once again. This place is pure enjoyment mixed in with blazing reality. My social life has finally been revived. I haven’t had such a blast since I was in Uni. Believe me there's lots to write about. Needless to say Mr. L is more than ecstatic I’m back home. That man is such a sweetheart (by any standard). As ignorant as this sounds “I’m pleasantly surprised by the way he lives his life for a Nigerian man.” But all will be revealed in due time. There’s certainly no rush. We'll see where what we have goes. At least now we have absolutely no excuse not to see what lies ahead. I'll check in soon....
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Was In a Shit Mood
So I just realized this blogging thing takes a lot more dedication than expected. I had a totally shit past week, which left me feeling funky inside out. Hence my no show in blog world.
They say "it doesn't rain it pours" - no fucking shit I say. I had such a great high coming back from Naija only to be sucked into some random silly ass thing.
It all started last Monday. I was having a conversation with a good friend, when she asked me about a friend of mine Nicolas.
She: So how is Nicolas?
Me: He's cool I think. I haven't heard from him in a while. Why'd you ask?
She: Nothing o. It's just that I was speaking to Kelly (his ex) and she said they are back together.
Me: Oh cool. Those two sef, always back and forth. Their love is much sha.
She: I guess!! She did mention that she knows you won't like the fact that they’re back on.
Me (Surprised and totally dumbfounded by that comment): What? Why would she say that? Why would I mind?
She: LOL. I have no idea what she meant, but she thinks you'd be upset about it.
So the conversation dragged on for a couple more, but you get the gist.
A little history about Nicolas and I will help -we "were" very good friends with a bit of a flirtatious past. I am using past tense because Nicolas and I are no longer friends, but I digress.
Back to the real story - Nicolas and I never ever hooked up, but the potential was there. As life would have it we lived miles apart and when one was single the other was hooked up and vice versa; plus no one felt inclined to cross that line so we didn't. Short of the long is nothing ever happened between the two of us apart from some occasional flirting; but nothing worth mentioning or worrying about. Prior to the Monday I got the gist I hadn’t spoken to Nicolas in 5 months which is why I was needless to say perplexed by his ex’s comment.
Even though I was confounded, I wasn't particularly ticked off then, because I figured he had probably tried to make her jealous or something by bringing me up. Maybe he told her other babes want him so she better recognize and mentioned my name. I don't know what tricks he used to get her back.
The part that ticked me off was the next day. Since I thought we were such cool friends I was going to find a not so obvious way of alluding to what I had heard. I knew I would see him online and that would be my chance. A little hello and our conversation would start flowing. The only thing is that the following morning his babe (Kelly) was chatting with my friend and brought it up AGAIN.
Abeg people o...I hadn't spoken to Nicolas for 5 months prior to this whole thing. We would see online and exchange occasional pleasantries, but that was it. Plus my plan to speak to him for the first time in 5 months was that morning. What the hell was he telling his girl about me and him? And why was I even a topic of conversation?
As God would have it he came online shortly and I said hello. Before I could type the next sentence he said "how can I help you."
Not thinking it was me he intended to say that to said "Stop joking...LOL." This fool was serious because he proceeded to write "Look I am very busy, is there something I can do?"
Wow!! I said "Are u joking? Why the curtness?"
He replied "I didn't think I was being curt, how else can I say i'm busy?"
I replied "Point taken Nicolas. You're obviously trying to use me to feel cool. When you take that stick out from up your ass and your head is in the right place i'll tell you how I really feel."
He replied "Wow Oh!! Someone is pissed off. Anyway honey I have to go. Later"
Imagine the twat!!!
Needless to say I knew it was his guilty conscience, but the extra show he put on for whomever had turned me off completely. In all the time we'd known each other we'd never even had so much as a squabble. Now out of no where he was trying to give me attitude.
My day was shit needless to say, but I had decided to just allow it. He then proceeded to call me later that night to apologize for his behaviour. I was in no mood, so I said it was cool and we'd speak later. I bloody forgot to ask him about what I had heard because I was so irritated; but I wasn't going to call him back. My temperament was equable the next day until I heard AGAIN that his girl knows I called him. I was willing to allow it, but kilode. How can you be minding your own business and trouble comes to look for you anyway? I had to nip it in the bloody bud before it spun a life of its own.
First thing I did was tell or rather warned my friend to STOP telling me this shit - she was enabling, inciting and encouraging drama to exist where it shouldn't have. Although in her defense Kelly told her everything in strictest confidence. In no way was I supposed to hear about anything she said. I was sworn to secrecy so I couldn’t even call Nicolas to tell him to chill on the lies. Thank goodness I hadn’t even asked him the previous night because it would have propelled the drama to WWIII status in the mood I was in. I also had to think of my friends’ credibility – his ex and her were good enough friends. Although, I was pissed enough to not give a damn about her credibility, but I gave my word and I had to stand by it.
Second of all, I didn't want to be part of their stupid games. I had nothing against Kelly, but if I had to I would not shy away from a nice full on cussing session with her as my worthy recipient. I kindly told my friend to somehow let her know that she was barking up the wrong tree. My friend being the friend that she is told her "Look, Maiden is certainly not bothered if you and Nicolas are back together, besides I have never heard her even talk about him. Are you sure they are cool like that or is Nicolas just claiming they’re buddies?"
At least that's what she claimed to say. She had to make up for being stuck in the middle of silliness.
Thirdly, nobody is going to make me out to be who I’m not. I don't believe in protesting too much because it will mean I am affected or care, but the truth is this - I didn't want Nicolas in the least. He was the furthest thing on my mind. I had just enjoyed 3 weeks with Mr. L only to be sucked into some 3rd rate melodramatic squabble. I deleted him from my phone book, msn and anything I could think of. He probably doesn't think I’m mad at him or know why, but for my own peace of mind I bowed out gracefully. No drama, no nothing. Its 2007 - let everyone do what makes them happy. I am not going to let anyone affect my week like that ever again.
They say "it doesn't rain it pours" - no fucking shit I say. I had such a great high coming back from Naija only to be sucked into some random silly ass thing.
It all started last Monday. I was having a conversation with a good friend, when she asked me about a friend of mine Nicolas.
She: So how is Nicolas?
Me: He's cool I think. I haven't heard from him in a while. Why'd you ask?
She: Nothing o. It's just that I was speaking to Kelly (his ex) and she said they are back together.
Me: Oh cool. Those two sef, always back and forth. Their love is much sha.
She: I guess!! She did mention that she knows you won't like the fact that they’re back on.
Me (Surprised and totally dumbfounded by that comment): What? Why would she say that? Why would I mind?
She: LOL. I have no idea what she meant, but she thinks you'd be upset about it.
So the conversation dragged on for a couple more, but you get the gist.
A little history about Nicolas and I will help -we "were" very good friends with a bit of a flirtatious past. I am using past tense because Nicolas and I are no longer friends, but I digress.
Back to the real story - Nicolas and I never ever hooked up, but the potential was there. As life would have it we lived miles apart and when one was single the other was hooked up and vice versa; plus no one felt inclined to cross that line so we didn't. Short of the long is nothing ever happened between the two of us apart from some occasional flirting; but nothing worth mentioning or worrying about. Prior to the Monday I got the gist I hadn’t spoken to Nicolas in 5 months which is why I was needless to say perplexed by his ex’s comment.
Even though I was confounded, I wasn't particularly ticked off then, because I figured he had probably tried to make her jealous or something by bringing me up. Maybe he told her other babes want him so she better recognize and mentioned my name. I don't know what tricks he used to get her back.
The part that ticked me off was the next day. Since I thought we were such cool friends I was going to find a not so obvious way of alluding to what I had heard. I knew I would see him online and that would be my chance. A little hello and our conversation would start flowing. The only thing is that the following morning his babe (Kelly) was chatting with my friend and brought it up AGAIN.
Abeg people o...I hadn't spoken to Nicolas for 5 months prior to this whole thing. We would see online and exchange occasional pleasantries, but that was it. Plus my plan to speak to him for the first time in 5 months was that morning. What the hell was he telling his girl about me and him? And why was I even a topic of conversation?
As God would have it he came online shortly and I said hello. Before I could type the next sentence he said "how can I help you."
Not thinking it was me he intended to say that to said "Stop joking...LOL." This fool was serious because he proceeded to write "Look I am very busy, is there something I can do?"
Wow!! I said "Are u joking? Why the curtness?"
He replied "I didn't think I was being curt, how else can I say i'm busy?"
I replied "Point taken Nicolas. You're obviously trying to use me to feel cool. When you take that stick out from up your ass and your head is in the right place i'll tell you how I really feel."
He replied "Wow Oh!! Someone is pissed off. Anyway honey I have to go. Later"
Imagine the twat!!!
Needless to say I knew it was his guilty conscience, but the extra show he put on for whomever had turned me off completely. In all the time we'd known each other we'd never even had so much as a squabble. Now out of no where he was trying to give me attitude.
My day was shit needless to say, but I had decided to just allow it. He then proceeded to call me later that night to apologize for his behaviour. I was in no mood, so I said it was cool and we'd speak later. I bloody forgot to ask him about what I had heard because I was so irritated; but I wasn't going to call him back. My temperament was equable the next day until I heard AGAIN that his girl knows I called him. I was willing to allow it, but kilode. How can you be minding your own business and trouble comes to look for you anyway? I had to nip it in the bloody bud before it spun a life of its own.
First thing I did was tell or rather warned my friend to STOP telling me this shit - she was enabling, inciting and encouraging drama to exist where it shouldn't have. Although in her defense Kelly told her everything in strictest confidence. In no way was I supposed to hear about anything she said. I was sworn to secrecy so I couldn’t even call Nicolas to tell him to chill on the lies. Thank goodness I hadn’t even asked him the previous night because it would have propelled the drama to WWIII status in the mood I was in. I also had to think of my friends’ credibility – his ex and her were good enough friends. Although, I was pissed enough to not give a damn about her credibility, but I gave my word and I had to stand by it.
Second of all, I didn't want to be part of their stupid games. I had nothing against Kelly, but if I had to I would not shy away from a nice full on cussing session with her as my worthy recipient. I kindly told my friend to somehow let her know that she was barking up the wrong tree. My friend being the friend that she is told her "Look, Maiden is certainly not bothered if you and Nicolas are back together, besides I have never heard her even talk about him. Are you sure they are cool like that or is Nicolas just claiming they’re buddies?"
At least that's what she claimed to say. She had to make up for being stuck in the middle of silliness.
Thirdly, nobody is going to make me out to be who I’m not. I don't believe in protesting too much because it will mean I am affected or care, but the truth is this - I didn't want Nicolas in the least. He was the furthest thing on my mind. I had just enjoyed 3 weeks with Mr. L only to be sucked into some 3rd rate melodramatic squabble. I deleted him from my phone book, msn and anything I could think of. He probably doesn't think I’m mad at him or know why, but for my own peace of mind I bowed out gracefully. No drama, no nothing. Its 2007 - let everyone do what makes them happy. I am not going to let anyone affect my week like that ever again.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
I'm Back!!!
Oh Boy!! Can't believe it's been 3 weeks since I last checked into the blog world. Missed everyone…thanks for stopping by. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
I went to Naija for nice long needed vacation and needless to say it's hell trying to get used to being back in the states. It doesn't help that the weather here has been crap. But we shall overcome.....sniff sniff sniff sniff.
So!! About my trip. Just before I left I declared my singledom with as much zealth and enthusiasm to insight a movement - okay I’m reaching there, but you get my point.No no no no...I’m not trying to retract anything I said, but I am going to interject and say life has a way of making you eat your words. I should have figured there's always a lesson lurking in the corner waiting to teach you to not think you are in complete control of everything that happens to you.
If you remember, there was a part of my declaration where I mentioned a Mr. L. Here's a little reminder if you don't remember..."There was only one person after true love I could have seen something with, but there was still something missing. Or maybe it was me missing something? I still have to keep my eye on him - I like to call him Mr. L."
Yes him - he made a very special appearance this trip, but before I spill the beans I’d just like to state, that I had no intentions of rekindling any romance, flame, escapade, rendezvous with anybody past or present. I was simply going to have fun - just like the next person. Naija or shall I say "Lagos" has a lot of suitable young men - at least enough to keep you distracted during your stay, but I for one never expect much as a general rule of thumb. High expectations never live up to the hype. I am a play it by ear, live by the moment kind of chic. If it happens, good! If not, good!
So, on the first day I got into Lagos I ran into Mr. L at a mutual friend’s party. We kept in touch over the year, but about 3 months before my trip I faded into the background. My Singledom made me want to disconnect with male connections I wasn't sure of. He had always been great to me – kind, sweet, mischievous, cheeky, rude and fun. We truly were good friends, but for some reason there was a lot going on when we starting talking so I chucked it up to bad timing and let it be.
The thing is that we could never deny that “something” was there. As a result, it was much easier for us to be the kings of our worlds when we were apart, because I’m sure on a subconscious level we both knew “that thing” would bring us back together – even if it was just a really great friendship.
Needless to say Mr. L had no idea I would be in town so it was lovely seeing his expression when I tapped him on the shoulder. He didn't quite scream (but it sounded close enough), then he picked me up while hugging and spinning me around at the same time – the boy’s got talent. Everyone was looking at our strange and lovely reunion. As soon as he put me down he held my shoulders and pushed me back a little and said "why didn't you tell me you were coming?" Do I tell him "you confuse the shit outta me and I’m not sure about how to classify our friendship or relationship?” Of course I didn't tell him that - I simply smiled and said "I'm here now. What difference does it make?" He looked slightly hurt, but smiled and said "So it's like that ehn!! Not cool, but it's great to see you again." We hung out through out the party catching up like old times, and almost immediately we fell back into place. It was a good night.
I expected nothing even after such a nice night, because I know how people can be. You'll leave that night swearing up and down you'll call and hang out but it'll never happen. He could bloody well have been there with a date or girlfriend. What the hell did I know then? If you haven't noticed I can be a tad bit pessimistic.
Surprisingly though from that day till the day I left Mr. L and I saw and hung out almost everyday. It wasn't planned, but he made his presence known and felt. We went everywhere together - we even joked about how his ladies would be pissed that he's ignored them all Christmas because I unexpectedly appeared. Before anyone misinterprets this "He is single, but I won't assume for one second he chills in Naija waiting for anyone to just drop in. He's an attractive guy - I’d be somewhat weary if he didn't have some play dates." It’s the same way I would hope he doesn’t just pop up where I live. He might catch me on a good day or a bad day. Fortunately, it was a good day for him…hehehe!!
It's a hard story to sum up into a few paragraphs, but the gist of my trip is that I went feeling empowered by my declaration of independence and even though nothing has changed, I was pleasantly surprised by the attention I received from a person who I tried my best to write off. I don't know what's going to happen because I’m so set in my bloody ways it's hard for me to shake off the mindset I’ve acquired over the years. My rules stand as is: No long-distance, no Naija boyfriend (too many horror stories), but as I say that I know there are enough decent Naija guys living in and away from Naija, so I won't generalize and make it an excuse.
I am even more messed up and confused than ever….2007 is proving to be exciting to say the least; but this time around I’m hoping nature really just does its damn thing. It’s not fair that we have to figure this all out by ourselves.
I'll fill you in on what happens, but for now I’m back and still SINGLEEEEEE!!!
I went to Naija for nice long needed vacation and needless to say it's hell trying to get used to being back in the states. It doesn't help that the weather here has been crap. But we shall overcome.....sniff sniff sniff sniff.
So!! About my trip. Just before I left I declared my singledom with as much zealth and enthusiasm to insight a movement - okay I’m reaching there, but you get my point.No no no no...I’m not trying to retract anything I said, but I am going to interject and say life has a way of making you eat your words. I should have figured there's always a lesson lurking in the corner waiting to teach you to not think you are in complete control of everything that happens to you.
If you remember, there was a part of my declaration where I mentioned a Mr. L. Here's a little reminder if you don't remember..."There was only one person after true love I could have seen something with, but there was still something missing. Or maybe it was me missing something? I still have to keep my eye on him - I like to call him Mr. L."
Yes him - he made a very special appearance this trip, but before I spill the beans I’d just like to state, that I had no intentions of rekindling any romance, flame, escapade, rendezvous with anybody past or present. I was simply going to have fun - just like the next person. Naija or shall I say "Lagos" has a lot of suitable young men - at least enough to keep you distracted during your stay, but I for one never expect much as a general rule of thumb. High expectations never live up to the hype. I am a play it by ear, live by the moment kind of chic. If it happens, good! If not, good!
So, on the first day I got into Lagos I ran into Mr. L at a mutual friend’s party. We kept in touch over the year, but about 3 months before my trip I faded into the background. My Singledom made me want to disconnect with male connections I wasn't sure of. He had always been great to me – kind, sweet, mischievous, cheeky, rude and fun. We truly were good friends, but for some reason there was a lot going on when we starting talking so I chucked it up to bad timing and let it be.
The thing is that we could never deny that “something” was there. As a result, it was much easier for us to be the kings of our worlds when we were apart, because I’m sure on a subconscious level we both knew “that thing” would bring us back together – even if it was just a really great friendship.
Needless to say Mr. L had no idea I would be in town so it was lovely seeing his expression when I tapped him on the shoulder. He didn't quite scream (but it sounded close enough), then he picked me up while hugging and spinning me around at the same time – the boy’s got talent. Everyone was looking at our strange and lovely reunion. As soon as he put me down he held my shoulders and pushed me back a little and said "why didn't you tell me you were coming?" Do I tell him "you confuse the shit outta me and I’m not sure about how to classify our friendship or relationship?” Of course I didn't tell him that - I simply smiled and said "I'm here now. What difference does it make?" He looked slightly hurt, but smiled and said "So it's like that ehn!! Not cool, but it's great to see you again." We hung out through out the party catching up like old times, and almost immediately we fell back into place. It was a good night.
I expected nothing even after such a nice night, because I know how people can be. You'll leave that night swearing up and down you'll call and hang out but it'll never happen. He could bloody well have been there with a date or girlfriend. What the hell did I know then? If you haven't noticed I can be a tad bit pessimistic.
Surprisingly though from that day till the day I left Mr. L and I saw and hung out almost everyday. It wasn't planned, but he made his presence known and felt. We went everywhere together - we even joked about how his ladies would be pissed that he's ignored them all Christmas because I unexpectedly appeared. Before anyone misinterprets this "He is single, but I won't assume for one second he chills in Naija waiting for anyone to just drop in. He's an attractive guy - I’d be somewhat weary if he didn't have some play dates." It’s the same way I would hope he doesn’t just pop up where I live. He might catch me on a good day or a bad day. Fortunately, it was a good day for him…hehehe!!
It's a hard story to sum up into a few paragraphs, but the gist of my trip is that I went feeling empowered by my declaration of independence and even though nothing has changed, I was pleasantly surprised by the attention I received from a person who I tried my best to write off. I don't know what's going to happen because I’m so set in my bloody ways it's hard for me to shake off the mindset I’ve acquired over the years. My rules stand as is: No long-distance, no Naija boyfriend (too many horror stories), but as I say that I know there are enough decent Naija guys living in and away from Naija, so I won't generalize and make it an excuse.
I am even more messed up and confused than ever….2007 is proving to be exciting to say the least; but this time around I’m hoping nature really just does its damn thing. It’s not fair that we have to figure this all out by ourselves.
I'll fill you in on what happens, but for now I’m back and still SINGLEEEEEE!!!
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Declaration of Independence..I'm SINGLE!!
No i'm not some anti-men feminist who has been so scarred, abused and confused by men that i've lost all hope and is jaded beyond measure. I've actually enjoyed the few relationships i've had (sans a very scary incident when I was younger with a stalker, but i'll leave that alone...lol).
The point of my declaration is simple - Single is good. Some would say "good for you, but who cares?".....I know I know i'm not trying to convince myself or anyone that it's good, it's just that lately i've been getting that look from my fam and friends when I say i'm not on the market, but i'm single. Almost like i've gotten it wrong, with their facial expressions saying "hmmm....you know u ain't getting no younger gurl!!"
I just can't be assed to deal with any kind of wahala right now. I have always been like this - i get into extreme moods. I can't bloody explain it, it's just the way it is.
Here's my Declaration:
So i've been single for a minute and I have to say i'm getting too used to this. I can't even remember what it feels like to really love somebody else? Since my one true love and I called it quits i've been coasting (2 plus years and counting). Before you think it - no i'm not still in love with him. Not that it's a prize or badge of honour, but I ended our relationship. Yes he did beg and plead, but i'd had enough. I couldn't go back - I just wasn't happy anymore. Yeah there was a rebound or two, but that's exactly what they were.
There was only one person after true love I could have seen something with, but there was still something missing. Or maybe it was me missing something? I still have to keep my eye on him - I like to call him Mr. L. He had a way about him though....I digress....lol!!
I won't say i'm melancholy or jaded about the whole relationship thing - that's not my M.O. at all. I still get emotional when I hear a really sloppy love story or two, but I am convinced there is a time and a place for everything.
Mine is not now - not here, not today and not yet. My friend told me the other day "you are just so chilled it's scary. Isn't there anyone that can ruffle your feathers just a little?" Truth be told there alot of men that can ruffle my feathers, but that's all it'll be. A good night, week or two and i'm bored or irritated or not wanting to deal with their stress. Better put, I like to call it preemptive strike, because I don't even let it get to the point where there's stress.
Oh I'm just a big ol' confused child. I know it's not ideal to be so far off the center, but for now this is where i'm at. I know most importantly that my status is my choice. It's me finding comfort in my own skin and being alright with nights alone watching a good movie. It's not pathetic and it's not lonely. Don't get me wrong it has its moments, but like all things they come and they go. I really see this as a chance to just be - that way if and when the GREAT HE comes along i'll know it's because I love him and not the idea of him.
The point of my declaration is simple - Single is good. Some would say "good for you, but who cares?".....I know I know i'm not trying to convince myself or anyone that it's good, it's just that lately i've been getting that look from my fam and friends when I say i'm not on the market, but i'm single. Almost like i've gotten it wrong, with their facial expressions saying "hmmm....you know u ain't getting no younger gurl!!"
I just can't be assed to deal with any kind of wahala right now. I have always been like this - i get into extreme moods. I can't bloody explain it, it's just the way it is.
Here's my Declaration:
So i've been single for a minute and I have to say i'm getting too used to this. I can't even remember what it feels like to really love somebody else? Since my one true love and I called it quits i've been coasting (2 plus years and counting). Before you think it - no i'm not still in love with him. Not that it's a prize or badge of honour, but I ended our relationship. Yes he did beg and plead, but i'd had enough. I couldn't go back - I just wasn't happy anymore. Yeah there was a rebound or two, but that's exactly what they were.
There was only one person after true love I could have seen something with, but there was still something missing. Or maybe it was me missing something? I still have to keep my eye on him - I like to call him Mr. L. He had a way about him though....I digress....lol!!
I won't say i'm melancholy or jaded about the whole relationship thing - that's not my M.O. at all. I still get emotional when I hear a really sloppy love story or two, but I am convinced there is a time and a place for everything.
Mine is not now - not here, not today and not yet. My friend told me the other day "you are just so chilled it's scary. Isn't there anyone that can ruffle your feathers just a little?" Truth be told there alot of men that can ruffle my feathers, but that's all it'll be. A good night, week or two and i'm bored or irritated or not wanting to deal with their stress. Better put, I like to call it preemptive strike, because I don't even let it get to the point where there's stress.
Oh I'm just a big ol' confused child. I know it's not ideal to be so far off the center, but for now this is where i'm at. I know most importantly that my status is my choice. It's me finding comfort in my own skin and being alright with nights alone watching a good movie. It's not pathetic and it's not lonely. Don't get me wrong it has its moments, but like all things they come and they go. I really see this as a chance to just be - that way if and when the GREAT HE comes along i'll know it's because I love him and not the idea of him.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Maiden Voyage
I am a "virgin" to the blog world. Yup! I have been deflowered. Wasn't as painful as I thought. However, it is a scary and very exciting community to join. There's something for everyone in here. You have bloggers that obviously excelled in Literature and English class; and you have some who really ought to take an extra class or two. Don't know which category I fall under yet. It's certainly easier to judge when you're looking in from the outside in. I hope the lowest grade you will give me is a "B or B-".
Regardless of people's writing style the thing that amazes me the most is a blogger's ability to be open and let what's in your mind pour out. When I was younger, I could write and write for days - spilling and gushing thoughts all over the place. The older i've gotten i've become very conservative and protective of the emotions I let go.
Granted i've never been a very open person, but I was always able to understand and account for everything I was feeling. I am hoping through this process, I can find my inner voice again. The same voice that allowed me to write Santa Claus when I was seven telling him how good I was and how horrible my older sis was. The same voice that allowed me to write songs no musician will ever sing; and the same voice that let me write poems to a lover I have never met.
Believe me i'm not as cheesy anymore. I know better than fantasizing about love I haven't experienced. Now I fantasize about sex I haven't experienced - Yes yes, I watch too much porn. I'm single, what's a girl to do?
So this is my Maiden Voyage. Today is a good day because I haven't stopped once to spell check. I usually look for any excuse not to finish typing a thought - it's been 2 years since I stopped writing. Thinking about it; it was 2 years ago I went through the worst time of my young life. I am hoping I have the courage to figure it out. Here's what I wonder - Is my emotional withdrawal as a result of getting older and knowing better, or a result of serious trauma and not just wanting to deal with? Whatever the case, today I am letting whatever it is that is moving me do it's damn thing.
Tomorrow, the doubts and conflict can return. No no no...this is not some dark journey I am on. I just realized sometimes you need to take stock. It is not entirely about sorting through the piles of emotional rubbish - i'm simply not that self centered. It's about exploring and gisting about the good, the bad and the ugly. Like most i've been through some shit, but I won't dare to think i've been through the worst in the grand scheme of things. I do realize there are wars being fought, people starving, people dying etc. My point is I know there are more f**ked up people than me. Or should I let you be the judge of that?!!! Hehehehehe.
Regardless of people's writing style the thing that amazes me the most is a blogger's ability to be open and let what's in your mind pour out. When I was younger, I could write and write for days - spilling and gushing thoughts all over the place. The older i've gotten i've become very conservative and protective of the emotions I let go.
Granted i've never been a very open person, but I was always able to understand and account for everything I was feeling. I am hoping through this process, I can find my inner voice again. The same voice that allowed me to write Santa Claus when I was seven telling him how good I was and how horrible my older sis was. The same voice that allowed me to write songs no musician will ever sing; and the same voice that let me write poems to a lover I have never met.
Believe me i'm not as cheesy anymore. I know better than fantasizing about love I haven't experienced. Now I fantasize about sex I haven't experienced - Yes yes, I watch too much porn. I'm single, what's a girl to do?
So this is my Maiden Voyage. Today is a good day because I haven't stopped once to spell check. I usually look for any excuse not to finish typing a thought - it's been 2 years since I stopped writing. Thinking about it; it was 2 years ago I went through the worst time of my young life. I am hoping I have the courage to figure it out. Here's what I wonder - Is my emotional withdrawal as a result of getting older and knowing better, or a result of serious trauma and not just wanting to deal with? Whatever the case, today I am letting whatever it is that is moving me do it's damn thing.
Tomorrow, the doubts and conflict can return. No no no...this is not some dark journey I am on. I just realized sometimes you need to take stock. It is not entirely about sorting through the piles of emotional rubbish - i'm simply not that self centered. It's about exploring and gisting about the good, the bad and the ugly. Like most i've been through some shit, but I won't dare to think i've been through the worst in the grand scheme of things. I do realize there are wars being fought, people starving, people dying etc. My point is I know there are more f**ked up people than me. Or should I let you be the judge of that?!!! Hehehehehe.
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